Daily Chai

One of the things I love about San Francisco

About five years ago when I was unemployed and smelling the roses (and noticing street graffiti too) for the first time in many years, I started seeing on one of my many long leisurely walks between coffee shops that someone was drawing these large hearts all over the sidewalk in my neighborhood. They were about the size of a hand, drawn in bright pink and red and yellow an blue shades of chalk and would appear one morning in front of a neighbor's door, one day in front of mine, another day on the next street over. It was clear the message was not intended for me personally (I wished) and yet it touched me personally, I guess for the simple reason that someone was deliberately doing this with the intent of touching me and a lot of other random strangers in Cole Valley. That is, assuming it was not a graduate student thesis on public art.

Seriously though. You don't see this sort of thing on the streets of New York or Washington DC, or even groovy L.A. And yet, they are always appearing somewhere in San Francisco, which leads me to conclude that it is not just one, or even a handful of people doing these anonymous cheery deeds. A couple years back, all over the streets of the Mission you would see these love messages -- things like "you are the one I've been waiting for" stamped on the streets. Again, too widespread to be intended for any one individual. More recently, I've noticed stickers around Duboce Park that say simply "Parallel Universe." Who knows what they mean, but just the new-agey suggestion that there is another reality out there, maybe closer than we think, comforts and lifts me in the morning as I'm walking to get my coffee.

And now, this. Walking back from the Safeway in Castro the other day, I noticed that someone had scrawled "Look Up" on the sidewalk on Church Street. When I looked up, I was rewarded with this sublime view of graceful sun soaked trees, which I wouldn't have otherwise taken the time to appreciate from down on the gritty ground, as I dodged homeless people and juggled some heavy grocery bags on the back of my daughter's stroller.

And finally, my third and final installment on Yosemite.

I wrote previously about my recent trip to Yosemite with my mother and daughter and how the long drive and the heat, and finally a God-awful hotel room just about ruined things. Until we were allowed to swap out our filthy, dingy, hot room for a truly lovely two-bedroom suite, for the same price of $230 a night, even though a sign on the wall stated that the going rate for our new room was $600. And yes, it was peak season, and yes, we got this room very late in the day. And yes, other people were told there was no room at the inn.

I'm not sure exactly what I have to say about this: how things instantly turned from unbelievably bad to better than I could have hoped for, except that I'm filing this under "general thoughts on life," because I do think there was a lesson there.

Yes, I know that maybe it was just that someone had canceled their reservation at the last minute, leaving this room open. Maybe the clerk had pity on me and my sweaty family. But I also think it's a lesson about expectations and what we settle for and what we can potentially achieve/attain when we don't go through life looking for things that are just good enough, passable, but rather think of the ideal, our wildest dream.

I have to stress how dramatic this hotel swap was. It wasn't like we swapped out two similar rooms where one had air conditioning and the other did not. Our new room was about 1,000 times nicer on every level. I only wished that we had found it earlier in the day so that we weren't so exhausted when we did get there (although, it was quite a nice place to be exhausted!)

It reinforced for me in a larger life sense that:

1) You have to ask for what you want. I was so anxious to get out of the old room that I was ready to forfeit the money I'd already paid. But then we decided that we'd just ask if they could do anything for us.

2) Reality often can exceed your expectations. Too good to be true just doesn't hold up.

3) Things can turn from dismal to very bright very quickly.

4) A larger hand does seem to be at work. Logically, there is no way I could have foreseen this room opening up, being that it was peak season and other people were coming into the hotel looking for rooms and being turned away.

And a bunch of other stuff too. Like, don't assume that Yosemite in July will be a fun vacation for the whole family. And, don't believe those totally false images of the rooms from the Yosemite Web site when booking a room.

They say that all the people who come into your life are there to teach you a lesson. I think they say the same thing is true, by extension for all the events you experience in life. Sometimes, the lesson is pretty obscure. But sometimes it is screaming out.

 

 

  

The one sided friend dilemma

As I type this, I'm thinking that the question I pose should be a no-brainer. Except that I've found it isn't. What do you do when you have a "friend" who always invites you to her birthday parties, her girls' weekends away and other thing? These things don't feel obligatory because they are fun. The two of you are not best friends but you do move in the same social circle and it is nice to be included in the group.

The dilemma? She always declines the events you host or the ones hosted in your honor: baby shower, birthday party, book club at your house. For a while it seems easy enough to go along with this disparity. After all, you aren't best friends and you don't depend on her for your social life. But then you reach a point where you realize that you've known this person for years and looking back over the years, it looks like a very one-sided friendship.

The solution that I said would seem obvious -- but isn't -- would be to start declining her invites the way she declines yours: maybe even use the exact same polite wording she uses on your Evites. The thing is: you are all part of the same larger group and the tit-or-tatedness of that response seems a little, well, petty. Or is it?

What would you do?

Lost threads

This weekend the baby and I are going to L.A. to visit friends and I am doing that usual mad scheduling required when you go to a place where you have a lot of people you care about and want to see them all while still having a fun vacation for yourself. It will be the first time I have taken Susie Q. to L.A., so I will need to be especially mindful to pace myself.

I was thinking about the weekend this evening as we were walking back from the playground, and I was reminded of all the people who I definitely will not call: these are not people with whom I've had fallings out (falling outs?) or anything like that, but some of the more casual acquaintances that -- harsh as this sounds -- don't make the cut. We are all, of course, always editing our lives in this way, and if we are not we probably should be. It is important to put the people you really care about first. I know that sometimes circumstance or loyalty or some other factor leads us to hold on to people who are really unimportant to us. The problem is that sometimes the reverse happens as well. You form a meaningful relationship with a person, but because he or she is not a co-worker or not a part of your larger circle or not at a similar life stage (single, or married, parent, or childless or whatever the case may be), a strong bond is never formed. It is just a little thread and it breaks under the weight of moves to other cities or just daily responsibilties.

Some of my lost threads include the two guys who were my next door neighbors in Santa Monica. I will blow the theory I crafted just a paragraph ago, when I say that they were actually in a very similar stage of life: single, thirtyish at that stage in life where you have plenty of time to focuse on your career and your social life. It is a stage you don't appreciate until it is gone. At the time, I lived in a lovely aparement building that we used to call Melrose Place. It was a friendly apartment and right next door, two super down-to-earth, recent business school grads who regularly threw big parties. One Thanksgiving my friends joined their friends -- a bunch of east coast orphans -- and, wearing shorts and sunglasses, had a lovely feast on their porch overlooking the palm trees and the ocean. After I'd moved to San Francisco, we kept in touch for a while, but the thread ultimately broke. And now, while I would love to touch base with these guys and reminisce about our lovely simple life of days gone by, I am simply too tied up seeing my closer friends. I suppose this is the way it should be. It's just life. But it makes me sad.

It's telling that this conversation focuses on L.A., because while we can lose threads anywhere in the world, I think it may be more likely to happen in L.A. Newcomers to L.A. often observe how the people are superficial and gush over you without getting to know you. It can seem fake. This is a fair enough observation, except that when you live there for a while, you realize that all these gushy people are not fake so much as simply casual. They don't need to be your life long best friend forever to invite you over for dinner on a whim. When you have lived in L.A. for a while, this lightness can become quite appealing. You can make meaningful connections without forming a lifelong committment. But then you end up with all these lovely little threads, most of which will invariably break.

I should note that I am writing this and doing all this wistful reminiscing in what is still early days for me as a new mother, something I worked on becoming for years. I now have my lovely daughter, by far the most important person in my life, who truly has shown me a love like no other. Somewhat surprisingly, it is a relationship that has opened me up to all sorts of other connections, big and small. I don't want to hole up with her and focus on this love exclusively. I don't want to cut out other people who I love less. I want to celebrate life and invite all the people I have ever know in, and see all the good in them. More than ever, I want to live in the moment, see the overwhelming beauty that every day holds. Part of me wants to grasp it and hold onto it, but I know that is impossible and some of the wonderful people I have known can now only be memories.

It's called "La condicion humana"

Doesn't the title just say it all?

(Rene Magritte, 1933)

The myth of the wireless office

If everything is going wireless, why are there so many wires in my office? It was pretty nasty before I switched to cable. Now, in addition to all the various cords coming out of my desktop I have a new cable box linking to some other cable/Internet box, both sprouting these unruly thick white things that really can not accurately be called wires at all. More like snakes that can't be tamed.

Sort of looks like one of those places where ten different freeways meet, bringing a collection of swirling roads together at all different elevations. All this, I get to see right at my feet every day when I sit down to work.

Which, of course, is not to mention all the cords required to charge our other various wireless devices: cell phones, cameras, laptop computers and whatnot.

This would all be just an annoying little nuisance if it were not, I really believe, so bad for our sense of harmony and balance, and on some level, our general well being. This struck me recently when I moved my home office from one room of my house to another. The room it left is suddenly cozy and warm and charming in a way I never thought it could be. The new room: any advice?

Thinking person's daily inspiration

There comes a point in our lives where we feel ready to experience a change we've had trouble carrying out. Maybe we've been stuck in a home, a relationship, job or a town that hasn't felt right for a long time, but we've been unable to shift our circumstances in the direction we want to go. At times like this, it can help to declare to the universe that we are ready for a change. Think of it as informing a helpful friend that you need her assistance to move to the next level in your life. If the time is right, the universe will respond with opportunities and offers designed to help you create the change you wish to see.

No, I have not transformed this blog into a new age, self help site. Only want to call your attention to a new agey, self helpy site called Daily Om that offers tidbits of wisdom you can digest with your morning coffee. It won't solve all your problems or even answer all your questions, but it might just provide the fresh perspective you often need. There's no shortage of words of wisdom out there; I like Daily Om because it is intelligent without being intellectual, optimistic without being magical and, I suppose, on some subliminal level it appeals to that part of me that wishes I were a better yogi. So, without further ado, here's the conclusion to Daily Om's Declaring Our Intentions. For more content, go to the site, or better yet, sign up for the daily email.

You can begin the process of making your declaration by getting clear within yourself about what exactly you want to change. Whenever we ask anyone for help, they can assist us that much better if we are specific. The universe also appreciates our clarity and

Feel free to continue to refine and redefine your declaration, and remember to be open to the many different ways in which the change you seek might come to be. Remember also to be active in your own efforts, taking opportunities that come your way, watching for signs, and always taking responsibility for your intentions. If things don’t happen quickly, try not to be discouraged; it might take time to free up energy that has been blocked and possibly serving a purpose beyond what we can understand. If you continue your conversation with the universe, declaring yourself clearly and openly, you cannot help but experience the magic of changing and being changed.

There comes a point in our lives where we feel ready to experience a change we've had trouble carrying out. Maybe we've been stuck in a home, a relationship, job or a town that hasn't felt right for a long time, but we've been unable to shift our circumstances in the direction we want to go. At times like this, it can help to declare to the universe that we are ready for a change. Think of it as informing a helpful friend that you need her assistance to move to the next level in your life. If the time is right, the universe will respond with opportunities and offers designed to help you create the change you wish to see.

No, I have not transformed this blog into a new age, self help site. Only want to call your attention to a new agey, self helpy site called Daily Om that offers tidbits of wisdom you can digest with your morning coffee. It won't solve all your problems or even answer all your questions, but it might just provide the fresh perspective you often need. There's no shortage of words of wisdom out there; I like Daily Om because it is intelligent without being intellectual, optimistic without being magical and, I suppose, on some subliminal level it appeals to that part of me that wishes I were a better yogi. So, without further ado, here's the conclusion to Daily Om's Declaring Our Intentions. For more content, go to the site, or better yet, sign up for the daily email.

You can begin the process of making your declaration by getting has an easier time answering a direct communication than a vague yearning. When you are clear on what you want, write your declaration on a piece of paper and place it on your altar, if you have one. If you don’t, you can also place it under your pillow or in a box on your nightstand. Set aside a period of time every day to be silent with your wishes for change, repeating your declaration like a mantra. This lets the universe know that you are ready to change and will be receptive to its efforts.

True story

Scene: reception desk at my doctor's office. The receptionist, a sweet fiftysomething woman I notice, is wearing an arm brace. I ask her what happened.

"Oh, it's a long story," she responded. "I was assaulted."

"Assaulted?" I respond. "That's horrible. Where? When? WHY?"

She got into the story a little warily, the whole time the receptionist next to her was shaking her head in either disapproval or disbelief. "I was trying to return some merchandise," she began.

But the merchant didn't want to take the "merchandise" back, she explained. He shoved her and she was so taken back that she grabbed the nearest thing -- some (very small, she assured me) glass vases on a shelf, threw them at him in pure self defense, gashing his forehead. At that point he really lunged at her, ripping her sweater so hard that it came off right there in the store and injuring her wrist and her back before chasing her out of the store and down the street: he all bloodied from the attack, she half naked.

Oh my God, Oh my God, I kept repeating. "What was the merchandise you were buying anyway?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "A statue of the Sacred Heart of Jesus."

The old boyfriend's new girlfriend's blog phenomenon

A year ago, a friend of mine who was going through an excrucianting breakup after a brief but intense romance, told me that it was made many more times worse by her Google discovery of a blog written by her Ex's Ex, which she knew she knew she shouldn't read, but, well you know what they say about not being able to turn away from car accidents. This blogger had been an on-again, off-again girlfriend of my friend's Ex for something like 10 years. It was one of those relationships that wouldn't die and blog chronicled detail that was too painful to read but too gripping not to, many of their recent meetings. It threw my friend into serious time line-drawing mode. When she blogged about meeting her Ex over Memorial Day, my friend remembered how he had suddenly called short their weekend away that same weekend.

I did what any friend would do. I told her to be strong. To stop looking at the blog, and over time she weaned herself.

And over time, I discoved my very own ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend's blog. We haven't spoken in years, but somehow, I know all about the woman he is dating, where they go on vacation, where they celebrated his birthday, how they sometimes exercise together. It's a bit of a different situation than my friend's. I really am over this guy. I can read his girlfriend's blog with no pain. And yet, I read it still. I think I am mostly curious about how things will progress, and whether the same factors that ultimately tripped us up will surface once again. You know, sort of like an objective scientific experiement ... one with WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION to go on.

Watch what's on your pallet

A couple of  years ago when I was first taking up painting, I complained to a friend -- a friend who had also just started painting and was much more gifted, at least from a technical standpoint, than I -- that I didn't like how my canvas was so green. Not only were the trees in the picture green, but the sky and the water looked more green than blue, and the structures in the picture looked a dull shade of dishwater green.

My friend responded bluntly: "Well look what's on your pallet." Sure enough, although I had put down a little bit of every color when I started to paint, I was clearly dabbing into the greens more often, spreading them around copiously, so that took over most of the pallet and, no doubt, were saturated into my brush.

I love the metaphor: a kind of "as above, so below" or "reap what you sow" for those of us more inclined to the arts than to farming. And just like my friend's advice to me that day was more than obvious, staring right back at me in large living color, I managed to miss it. Isn't it true how we do the same thing in life so often?